Questioning it all

I feel like a boxer.

But not Muhammed Ali, or Mike Tyson. I feel like a rookie; like a first-timer who decides to step into the ring against one of these greats. But I don't do it just once. No, I step into that ring over and over and over and over. It's like I'm missing some vital part of my brain that says "STOP" when I'm repeatedly subjecting myself to something that clearly isn't good for me.

I made the career choices that I did because I wanted to do good in the world. Or at least that's what I tell others, and myself. I'm an empathetic person, a compassionate person. I feel bad for people who are hurting and I automatically assumed that those feelings were the "divine calling" that I needed to determine my career path. 

But doesn't everyone feel bad for the less fortunate? You see someone on the sidewalk selling Real Change and you give them $2 for a copy of the newspaper. You get an invitation for a charity gala and you go and bid on something, or give a donation. Not everyone automatically is just "Oh, I feel bad so I'll struggle in every other area of my life because I can't find a job in the nonprofit sector because it's so damn hard." 

Maybe I've been doing this life thing all wrong. I'm SO. TIRED. of the struggle. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it's time that I see what else I'm good at and try my hand at the for-profit world. I'm sick of counting pennies to make rent, and worrying about where my next job will be.

Society tells us that our 20s are the best years of our lives. 

I'M CALLING BULLSHIT ON THAT.

Personally, my 20s have been hardship and heartbreak. Yes, there have been good things. But I haven't had a job for longer than 15 months. (I've been unemployed longer than I've been employed.) I can't find a man who will commit to me, so I've just settled for friends with benefits. (Which, at times, hasn't been so bad.)

But I'm done with all of this. I want to fast forward. I want to fall asleep and wake up when I'm 30.

*I want to have a stable, well-paying career.
*I want to have a loving husband.
*I want to have my first child.

I don't want life to be so fucking hard. I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to have only person who is there for me, day or night. (Love you, Milah!)

So next time you hear from me, who knows where I'll be. Real estate? Social media? Government? Pan-handling?

To close, I'd like to give a shout-out to my one, true best friend. The only one I've ever had, really. Thank you, Milah, for always being there. This one's for you.

"Believing" (Performed by Lennon Stella and Chip Esten on 'Nashville')

I don't remember how I got here
When my rose colored glasses disappeared,
Sometimes my fingers, they can lose touch
Start letting go of everything I love

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling,
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning,
You keep me believing.

Life is your savior, heaven your hand
When I'm broken you put me back together again
All that I once was, all I could be
When I've forgotten baby you remind me

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling,
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning,
You keep me believing.

Every red heart starts beating new
All you are to me baby I'll be that for you.

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling
And those are the days when my faith has lost all meaning

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning

You keep me believing