Questioning it all

I feel like a boxer.

But not Muhammed Ali, or Mike Tyson. I feel like a rookie; like a first-timer who decides to step into the ring against one of these greats. But I don't do it just once. No, I step into that ring over and over and over and over. It's like I'm missing some vital part of my brain that says "STOP" when I'm repeatedly subjecting myself to something that clearly isn't good for me.

I made the career choices that I did because I wanted to do good in the world. Or at least that's what I tell others, and myself. I'm an empathetic person, a compassionate person. I feel bad for people who are hurting and I automatically assumed that those feelings were the "divine calling" that I needed to determine my career path. 

But doesn't everyone feel bad for the less fortunate? You see someone on the sidewalk selling Real Change and you give them $2 for a copy of the newspaper. You get an invitation for a charity gala and you go and bid on something, or give a donation. Not everyone automatically is just "Oh, I feel bad so I'll struggle in every other area of my life because I can't find a job in the nonprofit sector because it's so damn hard." 

Maybe I've been doing this life thing all wrong. I'm SO. TIRED. of the struggle. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it's time that I see what else I'm good at and try my hand at the for-profit world. I'm sick of counting pennies to make rent, and worrying about where my next job will be.

Society tells us that our 20s are the best years of our lives. 

I'M CALLING BULLSHIT ON THAT.

Personally, my 20s have been hardship and heartbreak. Yes, there have been good things. But I haven't had a job for longer than 15 months. (I've been unemployed longer than I've been employed.) I can't find a man who will commit to me, so I've just settled for friends with benefits. (Which, at times, hasn't been so bad.)

But I'm done with all of this. I want to fast forward. I want to fall asleep and wake up when I'm 30.

*I want to have a stable, well-paying career.
*I want to have a loving husband.
*I want to have my first child.

I don't want life to be so fucking hard. I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to have only person who is there for me, day or night. (Love you, Milah!)

So next time you hear from me, who knows where I'll be. Real estate? Social media? Government? Pan-handling?

To close, I'd like to give a shout-out to my one, true best friend. The only one I've ever had, really. Thank you, Milah, for always being there. This one's for you.

"Believing" (Performed by Lennon Stella and Chip Esten on 'Nashville')

I don't remember how I got here
When my rose colored glasses disappeared,
Sometimes my fingers, they can lose touch
Start letting go of everything I love

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling,
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning,
You keep me believing.

Life is your savior, heaven your hand
When I'm broken you put me back together again
All that I once was, all I could be
When I've forgotten baby you remind me

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling,
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning,
You keep me believing.

Every red heart starts beating new
All you are to me baby I'll be that for you.

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling
And those are the days when my faith has lost all meaning

When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling
And those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning

You keep me believing

Hurricane

"Hurricane"  ~Natalie Grant

You're spinning out of control again
Your life feels like a sinking ship
You're wondering how it came to this

Is it too late?
Is it too far?
For Him to reach you
And come to where you are

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

You're in the wreckage underneath
Your hope is buried somewhere deep
You're wondering how long it will keep?

It's never too late
Never too far
For you to reach out
And take a hold of love

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Don't back down from the fight
He'll shelter you tonight
Just hold on for the change
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

There's a place, there's a place you can run
When you fall, and it's all come undone
You'll be safe in the raging storm
So just let go
'Cause you are held in His arms

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

Ooo ooo...

And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in a hurricane

Parents: The unsung heroes of pediatric cancer

September is pediatric cancer awareness month. Obviously, this is a cause very close to my heart. I hope to write many posts this month about various aspects of pediatric cancer. And while it is the children that go through the physical battle of these diseases, it is the parents who fight a whole other battle. 

"Mom" and "Dad" turn into doctor, nurse, researcher, advocate, blogger...even politician. The daily conversation about numbers goes from baseball scores and stock market options to blast counts and platelet counts. Figuring out how to maintain a work/life balance turns into figuring out how to maintain caring for your sick child and making sure your other children feel loved and cared for.

Here are some of those super-parents, battling right alongside their children.

Kristen and Doug Strauss

Gloria Strauss (Neuroblastoma) +

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rachel and Rob Byers

Jenessa "Boey" Byers (Rhabdomyosarcoma) +

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen and Gregg Gerstenberger

Katie Gerstenberger (Adrenocortical Carcinoma) +

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen and Jeff Fantozzi

Peter Fantozzi (Ewing's sarcoma)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen and Anthony St. Martin

Nicole St. Martin (Osteosarcoma)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason and Sara Andrews

Judah Andrews (Lymphoblastic Lymphoma)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To read more about pediatric cancer and find out how you can help, check out these links:

Seattle Children's Hospital Cancer and Blood Disorders Center

Northwest Sarcoma Foundation

Children's Neuroblastoma Cancer Foundation

Make-A-Wish Foundation of Alaska & Washington

A life surrounded by cancer (Pt. 1)

I never planned on being surrounded by cancer. As a little girl, I didn't think, "Oh! One day I'll grow up and hang out with kids with no hair who are fighting for their lives!" (I actually wanted to train Orca whales.) 

Sheila on the far right, holding her Stephie

Growing up, I didn't even come into contact with cancer until our family friend Sheila Riley (the one with the game room under the stairs, the collection of cows, and the AWESOME pool) got really sick with breast cancer. My parents had a group of friends who all hung out together and had kids of a similar age. I grew up with these people, and they were as much my family as my blood relatives. And Sheila had the most bubbly personality. I was young, but I can still see her face. I can still hear her calling me "Stephie!" (Very few people call me that.) She felt the lump, got diagnosed, and passed away all within less than a year.

That was the first time I heard about cancer.

That was the first time that cancer took someone from me.

As I grew, I was fortunate enough that I didn't have to hear the 'c' word mentioned by any of my friends or family members. Then one day, my mom and sister and I were in the car with a friend from church, and she said that she needed to stop by a fellow parishioner's house to drop off some food because one of their children was just diagnosed with cancer. We pulled into the driveway and I thought to myself, "A kid with cancer? How am I supposed to act? What do I do?" I was so nervous. I got out of the car and timidly followed Julia up to the door. A young woman answered and ushered us all inside.

That's when I met Gloria.

The beautiful Gloria

If you know me or have read any of my other posts, you know Gloria's story. (You can also buy Jerry Brewer's book, Gloria's Miracle.) Most people, like myself at first, would hear "kid with cancer" and go running in the opposite direction. Or, they would donate money or deliver meals any other "as long as I'm not in the same room" type volunteer opportunities. But like most of the people who met Gloria will tell you, there was just something "special" about that girl. You couldn't help but want to be around her; it was an honor to be in her presence. During her four-and-a-half year battle, I had never felt closer to God. I was on my knees, begging Him to heal our sweet girl; for Him to take all the pain and suffering off of her body and put it on mine. I went to prayer sessions at house after house and said thousands of rosaries. I was the pillar of strength when with Gloria and her 6 siblings, and cried endless tears in the privacy of my room. Gloria was going to get her miracle. She just had to.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was September 21, 2007. The beginning of my third year of college. I was sitting at my desk in my room when my phone rang. I looked to see who it was and it was Kelley. Instantly, I knew what she was going to say. Gloria was gone.

That was the second time that cancer took someone from me.

That was when I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life around pediatric cancer. 

Now, I am a wish granter for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I get the great privilege of coming into a child's life when they are facing demons that no one should ever have to face and granting them their most heartfelt, magical wish. These kids can wish to go, to be, to meet, to have, or to give anything that they want. Seeing the look on a 10-year-old's face as I tell him that his wish to go to Disneyworld with his family was granted is something that I'll never get tired of.

I never dreamed that my life would be surrounded by cancer. Especially after the discernment and soul-searching that I did after Gloria died. But I know that she was put in my life so that I would find out what I'm meant to do: improve the quality of life for kids with cancer, and do my damnedest to find a cure. 

I'm happy my rapist got fat

You think that sounds mean? Well it's nothing compared to what he did to me.

I've had some time on my hands lately, so I did some Facebook stalking. I was surprised to see that he's still dating the same girl that he's been seeing since after he assaulted me. And do you know what's interesting about that? Her and I both worked in the same office on campus. That was fun... 

An important part of my recovery was helping to plan the annual "Take Back the Night" event on campus. (Take Back the Night is designed to bring awareness and empowerment to individuals and to inspire action that will bring an end to violence against women. The event includes an open microphone for survivors and allies to speak out, resources and information, a powerful speaker, candlelight vigil and march.) As a member of SU's Peer Health Action Team, I took the lead on putting this event together for 2 years in a row. Even though I never had any intention of going up on stage during the open mic portion, somehow my feet pulled me up there that first year. As I looked out across the crowd, I saw him. Really? He comes to an event to end sexual assault? Even if it's just to "support" his girlfriend, he must have felt really out of place. So I'm standing in front of the mic, all these people in front of me....even as I get off the stage, I don't remember much of what I said. I know it was something to the effect of "If you've been assaulted, tell someone. Keeping it inside doesn't work. Come to our office, or go to Campus Ministry or Counseling and Psychological Services. You don't have to go through this alone." 

The second year that I spoke at Take Back the Night, I was another year into my treatment at Harborview Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress (which is an AMAZING place for sexual assault and survivors of traumatic stress to get counseling) and in a much better place to speak to the crowd. I told people my story, and really emphasized that women should tell someone. I told them that I tried doing it my own way, and failed miserably. I stressed to all the women in the audience that they could find me and the other peer health educators in the PHAT office and I would be there for them if they wanted to disclose to someone and could help direct them to resources. I told them that it was important for them to report their assault so that their assailant wouldn't get away with hurting anyone else, and that it would help them regain a sense of power over their lives. After I stepped off stage, I went to use the restroom and was followed by a freshman girl who disclosed to me that she was assaulted and wanted my help in reporting it. After that night, I was able to walk with her through her journey of reporting her assault and supporting her as she needed it and that was really healing for me. (I never reported my rape.)

It wasn't until 5 years after my assault that I had my first "real" boyfriend and got to experience all the "firsts" that were stolen from me that night freshman year. I got lucky that this boyfriend was so sweet and patient and understanding and went at my pace. I'm not with anyone now, but I'm hoping that I'm getting closer to finding the man that I'm meant to be with. I've been through a lot, and I deserve someone who is going to see how amazing I am.

As for my rapist? I'm still glad he got really fat.

Tom's Country Playlist

Tom, I told you that I'm gonna turn you on to country music! Here is your playlist that I've put together. I've even added the music videos, so you don't have to look them up. (No excuses for having to "waste time looking for all the tunes!")

Enjoy. ;)

1. "Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right" -Billy Currington

2. "Alcohol" -Brad Paisley


3. "Ain't Nothing 'Bout You" -Brooks & Dunn


4. "Last Name" -Carrie Underwood


5. "Chicks Dig It" -Chris Cagle


6. "Findin' A Good Man" -Danielle Peck


7. "Come A Little Closer" -Dierks Bentley


8. "Breathe" -Faith Hill


9. "How Far Do You Wanna Go?" -Gloriana


10. "Wanted" -Jessie James


11. "Ring of Fire" -Johnny Cash


12. "Your Man" -Josh Turner


13. "Somebody Like You" -Keith Urban


14. "Best Days of Your Life" -Kellie Pickler


15. "Summertime" -Kenny Chesney


16. "Lookin' For A Good Time" -Lady Antebellum


17. "I Hope You Dance" -Lee Ann Womack


18. "Bring It On Home" -Little Big Town


19. "I Love You" -Martina McBride


20. "Fastest Girl in Town" -Miranda Lambert


21. "Hell Yeah" -Montgomery Gentry


22. "I'll Take That As A Yes (The Hot Tub Song)" -Phil Vassar


23. "Hell On Hells" -Pistol Annies


24. "My Wish" -Rascal Flatts


25. "Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy)" -Rodney Adkins **Had to throw this in for Paige!**


26. "I Could Not Ask For More" -Sara Evans


27. "Party For Two" -Shania Twain ft. Billy Currington


28. "Kiss Me" -Shelly Fairchild


29. "All I Want To Do" -Sugarland


30. "I Knew You Were Trouble" -Taylor Swift


31. "Real Good Man" -Tim McGraw


32. "Whiskey Girl" -Toby Keith


33. "Toes" -Zac Brown Band

March = Dine Around Seattle!

Every year there is a promotion that all foodies and philanthropists love: Dine Around Seattle! Dine Around Seattle is the area's premier dining promotion - giving diners a chance to try some of the areas best restaurants for a great deal - all while helping support these local businesses. 

The promotion is a 3 course prix-fixe menus including starter, entree and dessert. 3-course dinners are $30 and 3-course lunches are $15. I love Dine Around Seattle because I can try out restaurants that I ordinarily wouldn't go to because they are too pricey for me! The event takes place March 3-28, Sundays through Thursdays.

Now the good part....What restaurants do I want to try?! Here are the participating restaurants that I would go to:

*Volterra (Ballard)

*Barolo (Downtown)

*Steelhead Diner (Downtown)

*BluWater Bistro (Green Lake)

*Toulouse Petit (Queen Anne)

I'm going out to dinner with Milah next week and she said it's my choice...Which should I choose?!

Music of this moment in time

When the lights go down and there's nothing left to be

When the lights go down and truth is all you see
When you feel that hole inside your soul
And wonder what you're made of
Well we all find out
When the lights go down

           -"When The Lights Go Down" -- Faith Hill

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along

           -"Move Along" -- The All-American Rejects

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

           -"Breathe (2 AM)" -- Anna Nalick

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now

           -"Airplanes" --B.O.B ft. Hailey Williams

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along the wall
And I'm scared the only heartbeat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone
I can't seem to breathe when I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely
I'm scared of lonely.....

           -"Scared of Lonely" -- Beyonce

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

           -"Turpentine" -- Brandi Carlile

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
that's my prerogative 
(it's my prerogative)

           -"My Prerogative" -- Britney Spears

Does Anybody Hear Her

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

("Does Anybody Hear Her" - Casting Crowns)

My Christmas Playlist

'Tis the season for Christmas music! Here is a playlist of my favorite holiday tunes.

~"The Nutcracker Suite" -Brian Setzer Orchestra

~"Winter Wonderland" -Brooks & Dunn



~"Feliz Navidad" -Celine Dion



~"Mistletoe" -Colbie Caillat



~"Christmas Song" -Dave Matthews Band



~"Little Drummer Boy" -Faith Hill



~"We Need a Little Christmas" -Glee Cast



~"Happy Xmas (War is Over)" -John Lennon



~"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" -Judy Garland



~"The Season For Romance" -Lee Ann Womack



~"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"-Little Big Town



~"Christmas Is All Around" -Billy Mack (Love Actually)



~"All I Want For Christmas Is You" -Mariah Carey



~"O Holy Night" -Martina McBride



~"I'll Be Home For Christmas" -Michael Buble



~"Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" -N*SYNC



~"All I Want For Christmas Is You" -Olivia Olson (Love Actually)



~"River" -Sarah McLachlan



~"The Christmas Song" -She & Him



~"Deck the Halls" -SHeDAISY



~"City of Silver Dreams" -Sugarland



~"Little Wood Guitar" -Sugarland



~"Christmas Won't Do Without You" -Tess Henley



Let me know what your favorite holiday songs are!

Stuck

Serious relationships.
Getting engaged.
Weddings.
Buying houses.
Having babies.

Moving forward.

Single.
Unemployed.
Poor.

Stuck.

Blessed are those who mourn

"Blessed are those who mourn - they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Mourning was the topic of Pastor Ryan's sermon at Eastlake last night. I saw on Facebook that this is what would be discussed and I'm not gonna lie, I debated whether or not I wanted to go. I've done my fair share of mourning, and I really didn't want to drag up old memories. Plus, I've been feeling extra-emotional lately and I was afraid that I was going to burst into tears in the middle of service. After praying for 4.5 years for God to heal Gloria and then having her pass away at 11-years-old, I was familiar with mourning. I turned away from God for a long time. And then the recent death of Gloria's younger brother, Anthony...It was so much for the Strauss family to bear and I didn't understand why God would put so much pain on one family. Especially a family who were so devout and faithful to Him, and who did everything right. But it turns out that it was a good thing that I went.

Things started out well, with the worship band playing three of my favorite songs:

Great by Worth Dying For on Ammunition -http://bit.ly/Rtc4Ul
Burning Ones by Jesus Culture on Consumed -http://bit.ly/PwQRNl
When You're Here by David Lunsford on Eastlake IV -http://bit.ly/wyyuf7

Then Ryan spoke so beautifully about mourning. He said that mourning is a blessing, and that "to be blessed is to be the privileged recipient of divine favor."

"Blessed are those who mourn - they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"In this world, you will be plagued with times of trouble..." John 16:33

"It is better to go to a funeral than a celebration. Why? Because death is the end of life's journey, and the living should always take that to heart. Sorrow beats foolish laughter; embracing sadness somehow gladdens our hearts. A wise heart is well acquainted with grief, but a foolish heart seeks only pleasure's company." Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

To mourn, we have to stop pretending that we are going to live forever. We are forced to face our own mortality. America is a culture of comfort. We would rather shun pain and anything associated with it than face it head on. We seek comfort instead of indulging in what we are really feeling.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted..." Psalm 34:18

For true mourning to occur, there has to be love. For those who have really mourned, some choose to live life on the surface. They have superficial relationships and friendships. They are connected on the world wide web and social media, but don't have anyone they can really talk to.

To mourn is profoundly human. When you have suffered a great loss, do not close yourself off to love again. Like a child who has fallen off his bicycle, we too must get up and try again. Ryan said something that really stuck with me: "Do not forsake the divine spark within you. Do not be afraid to risk in love."If you try and tuff your grief, it will come out of you. You can either mourn, or you can medicate. Medicating your grief can only last you for so long before it doesn't work anymore.

"Weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

Pain draws us together. Maybe it is pain or mourning that allows us to open up to receive comfort in the first place. Vulnerability does not come easy to any of us. It's never easy to ask for help.

On the cross, Jesus not only suffers for us but with us. He says, "I am not immune to your pain." We are not indifferent to pain. We will either reject it, or embrace God. We will pound our fists and curse and scream and reject Him completely, or we will grasp at His holy robes with the invisible threads of blind faith that we have and cling to Him with everything that we have.

"We do not grieve as those who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

"God himself will be with them...He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:3-4 I need to believe that this is true...There needs to be justice for this world. Children are taken from us too young, disease runs rampant, and crime steals the lives of loved ones before their time.

"Be doers of the word and not hearers only..." James 1:22

Ryan also included this video of stories of mourning from fellow Eastlakers. I immediately recognized Samantha Paul, mother of Rachel Beckwith. She reminds me so much of Kristen Strauss, and I just want to wrap her up in a giant hug and let her know that Rachel and Gloria are probably painting Heaven pink together and looking down on their Mommies.

Watch with a tissue!


Blessed - Matthew 5:4 from EastLake Church on Vimeo.

Milah and Stephanie's ice cream adventure

I have an ice cream problem. Milah has an ice cream problem. Together, we could get into a lot of trouble. (Although Milah runs 684959 marathons a year, so you would never know.)

At lunch today, we were talking about our favorite places to get ice cream in Seattle, so I decided to do some research...

I'm compiling a list of places to go for local ice cream and we shall go and gorge ourselves.

Molly Moon's

Flavors include:
-Honey lavender
-Theo chocolate
-Salted caramel

Full Tilt Ice Cream

Full Tilt Ice Cream makes all natural ice cream and frozen desserts with as much creativity and local ingredients as possible. Our retail outlets feature new and vintage arcade and pinball machines, an eclectic mix of sodas, an amazing mix of music on our stereos, and some of the finest beers the Northwest has to offer. After extensive research and testing, we have scientifically created a fun environment for people of all ages.

D'Ambrosio Gelato

Flavors include:
-Cocco (coconut)
-Gianduia (chocolate-hazelnut)
-Melone (cantaloupe)

Gelatiamo

Flavors include:

-Malted whopper

-Mocha

-Passion fruit

Peaks Frozen Custard

Flavors include:

-Ginger cookie marshmallow (Chunks of real ginger cookies and ribbons of sweet marshmallow cream

-Fall in Latte (Real espresso beans and a blend of cardamom, cloves, nutmeg and cinnamon infused into Peaks creamy custard for a coffee spice treat)

-Magic mint cookie in chocolate (Crisp mint-chocolate cookies loaded into our decadent chocolate)

Cupcake Royale

Flavors include:

-Dance Party with Holly Hobbie (Triple vanilla ice cream with chunks of Dance Party cupcakes)

-Peppermint Party (Muddled organic fresh mint, Seely's organic mint oil and chunks of Peppermint Party cupcakes)

-Blueberry Lavender (Local fresh blueberries, cream steeped in lavender buds and a dash of Scrappy's Lavender Bitters)

Old School Frozen Custard

Flavors include:

-Malted peanut butter dream (Malt vanilla with Reeces mixed in)

-Red velvet cake

-Chocolate mocha bark

Fainting Goat Gelato

Flavors include:

-Creme Brulee

-Nutella

-Pumpkin Spice

______________________

And I'm sure that there are a ton more places. And I'm sure that I'll weigh 5839 pounds when we're done.