I've had some time on my hands lately, so I did some Facebook stalking. I was surprised to see that he's still dating the same girl that he's been seeing since after he assaulted me. And do you know what's interesting about that? Her and I both worked in the same office on campus. That was fun...
An important part of my recovery was helping to plan the annual "Take Back the Night" event on campus. (Take Back the Night is designed to bring awareness and empowerment to individuals and to inspire action that will bring an end to violence against women. The event includes an open microphone for survivors and allies to speak out, resources and information, a powerful speaker, candlelight vigil and march.) As a member of SU's Peer Health Action Team, I took the lead on putting this event together for 2 years in a row. Even though I never had any intention of going up on stage during the open mic portion, somehow my feet pulled me up there that first year. As I looked out across the crowd, I saw him. Really? He comes to an event to end sexual assault? Even if it's just to "support" his girlfriend, he must have felt really out of place. So I'm standing in front of the mic, all these people in front of me....even as I get off the stage, I don't remember much of what I said. I know it was something to the effect of "If you've been assaulted, tell someone. Keeping it inside doesn't work. Come to our office, or go to Campus Ministry or Counseling and Psychological Services. You don't have to go through this alone."
The second year that I spoke at Take Back the Night, I was another year into my treatment at Harborview Center for Sexual Assault and Traumatic Stress (which is an AMAZING place for sexual assault and survivors of traumatic stress to get counseling) and in a much better place to speak to the crowd. I told people my story, and really emphasized that women should tell someone. I told them that I tried doing it my own way, and failed miserably. I stressed to all the women in the audience that they could find me and the other peer health educators in the PHAT office and I would be there for them if they wanted to disclose to someone and could help direct them to resources. I told them that it was important for them to report their assault so that their assailant wouldn't get away with hurting anyone else, and that it would help them regain a sense of power over their lives. After I stepped off stage, I went to use the restroom and was followed by a freshman girl who disclosed to me that she was assaulted and wanted my help in reporting it. After that night, I was able to walk with her through her journey of reporting her assault and supporting her as she needed it and that was really healing for me. (I never reported my rape.)
It wasn't until 5 years after my assault that I had my first "real" boyfriend and got to experience all the "firsts" that were stolen from me that night freshman year. I got lucky that this boyfriend was so sweet and patient and understanding and went at my pace. I'm not with anyone now, but I'm hoping that I'm getting closer to finding the man that I'm meant to be with. I've been through a lot, and I deserve someone who is going to see how amazing I am.
As for my rapist? I'm still glad he got really fat.
